This is Waaay to Safe of a Distance

As Spring approaches the weather obviously starts changing for the better. However, if you live in Tornado Alley (Nebraska, Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas, Arkansas) then you know what this time of the year means, “TAKE COVER!” Personally, when I lived in Oklahoma this was my favorite time of the year. I loved when the clouds would get dark, the thunder would start, and the tornado sirens started blaring. A lot of people act like fucking Japanese people running from Godzilla but not me and my team of very inexperienced tornado chasers. If you have never watched a tornado in real life, I highly advise you do it.

I understand that there are huge risks in trying to catch a glimpse of a twister but I say fuck it, the reward is worth risk. My best advice for you if you are wanting to follow a tornado is to trail a storm team. When my friends and I would follow tornadoes we would always seem to find a News Network Storm Team and would follow them around. Remember though, the storm teams have really good equipment so they don’t need to get really close to a twister, they can get all the info they need and still stay a very safe distance away. If you are wanting to get into the belly of the beast, then you will have to press on further than the storm team (they are just used so that you have a good understanding of where shit is about to go down). Once you see the twister, grab you camera or your phone and start clicking pics and videos. You aren’t going to want to stick around for too long or you will end up thrown into a fucking tree with a branch shoved so far up your ass you will have leaves hanging out of your grill. But hey, maybe your camera will be found so we will get to see some kick ass picks.

Now you might be asking yourself, why in the hell is this dude so in love with chasing tornados? Well I lived in Oklahoma and all there was to do was cook meth, grow weed, or chase tornados…..Take your pick!

If you are going to Death Valley, you have to hit the Dumont Dunes. The Dumont Dunes have some of the tallest sand dunes that are available for off-roading. Pretty much, if you go to Death Valley and you don’t hit the Dumonts, it is a trip wasted. Here you can break out the 4-wheeler, dune buggy, or if your crazy enough you can break out a snow-board. I’ve seen it first-hand.

Camping  can be somewhat of a struggle in Death Valley. Better make sure you have plenty of water. You can also be prepared to fend off wild animals such as coyotes, snakes, and sometimes wild fucking donkeys. Those bastards will keep you up at night.

I can guarantee you will have a hell of a time if you decide to visit Death Valley National Park. Just don’t bitch the whole time about having sand in your asscrack.

If you are on the Canadian side of the Falls then you should check out Clifton Hill. It is a good time even if you are with your dudes (Clifton Hill is has a lot of stuff for couples and families). Last time I was there I went into one of the haunted houses and those dudes told me that they were gonna fucking kill me and rape my girlfriend. I’m still not sure if we actually narrowly escaped death or not, but those guys were fucked in the head, I guess you would have to be if you work in a damn haunted house everyday. Clifton Hill also has the Guiness World Record Museum and Ripley’s Believe it or Not Museum. The hill has some wax museums that are pretty sweet as well. My favorite was the famous criminal wax museum. It had everybody from Dahmer to Gacy and Timothy McVeigh to Jesse James. Cool shit indeed.

For some nighttime fun you have the renowned Sundowner, it’s a gentlemen’s club and it is known far and wide, that should be enough said. Some good party hotels are AAAA and the Admiral Inn on Ferry Street, that would be on the Canadian side.  Just watch out at the AAAA because I read in a forum that some “youngins” like to hang out there.

On both sides of the Falls you will find casinos. Casinos can be a guys best friend or can totally ruin a trip. Be careful because if you run out of money, the Falls are only fun to look at for so long. If you end up broke in Niagara Falls and have to stay there for too long, you might end up trying to go over the Falls in a fucking barrel like all of the dumb fucks who did it before you.

All in all Niagara Falls is a great time. Whether you are with your boys or with the family there is all kinds of shit to do. If you haven’t been there you should definitely check it out.

Now for me, any mention of camping is an automatic mentioning of getting totally fucked up and passing out wherever my drunk ass feels like passing out. However, I would not advise getting drunk too much at your campsite because I have seen a few pretty bad wrecks directly related to alcohol. Remember, quads + 25 to 75 foot dunes + beer = recipe for disaster.

The Little Sahara State Park also hosts some events throughout the year. The coolest and most bizarre event is by far the Sahara Snake Hunt Weekend. It is an event held every year on the first weekend after Easter. There is food, a carnival, and oh ya, an actual snake hunt! How do ya like that, riding sand dunes and looking for the biggest fucking snake you can find to slaughter. A prize is given to the person who kills the most bad ass snake.

The Little Sahara State Park may seem like an entirely different world, but I’m telling you it could be a great time for a weekend get away.

There are many different types of guns such as, rifles, shotguns, machine guns, sub-machine guns, handguns, etc. My favorite though would definitely have to be the handgun, which can range from small or fairly big, but there are a few that definitely have some perks and a few that have some shittyness to them. My all time favorite handgun is the .45 ACP 1911, yeah I know isn’t it great. Of course if you’re really into handguns you’ll know that this is mainly a combat sidearm not really a pocket gun or concealment piece, but there is a lot of excitement involved with this little fucker. The 1911 is great for many reasons, first of all it’s a fucking .45, nuff said about the caliber of this weapon. It would be best epitomized by Clint Eastwood “deadliest weapon known to man” of course it wasn’t a 1911 but still same caliber, you understand.

The sheer knock down power of this handgun is only trumped by the .50 cal Desert Eagle,of course this is my opinion. Another couple of good things about the .45 is that there is a three part safety, (1) a firing grip must depress the grip safety (2) the manual safety must be taken off, and (3) the trigger must be pulled. Fairly simple stuff but it will keep your simple ass out of trouble. Now so far you’re probably getting up to go buy one of these right now, well let me tell you about some of the bad things about it, which there aren’t a lot.

If you want a gun with a light recoil and a smooth slide, check out a M9. The 1911 in comparison to the M9 is far superior but the M9 has the smoothest slide and the lightest recoil spring of any major caliber pistol I know of. When you rack the slide of the M9, you can feel the precision and quality of its manufacture. So yeah the M9 is a lot smoother and of course is a lot smaller but COME ON it’s a 9mm no way I would take that over the any .45 caliber in a fight. Another slightly bad thing about the 1911 is it has one hell of a kick but holy shit is it great to feel that kind-of power. All in all with this weapon you could definitely use it as a home self defense weapon (which I do, and some target practice) or of course if you got the time and the means it is a great completion pistol, it’s all up to you. Now get out there and express the second amendment (that’s the right to bear arms by the way….dumbass) before we are stripped of that right.

White Water Rafting can be one of the best ways to get away and deal with the stress of your everday family life. Well, you could take your family but why in the hell would you want to listen to your wife bitch about how much you have had to drink? Also if your not sure how your going to hold up on the raft, having your kids watch you cry, scream, hurl, etc. all the way down the river could be another negative. Get your boys together and make a 3 day weekend out of it. While your not bouncing off of the rapids, you can fish, drink, swim, rock climb, and maybe even drink. The New River in West Virginia is a great place to go rafting. The river has many campsites and resorts that will accomodate your white water rafting needs. I didn’t even search very long and found that rivermen.com has a just for the guys weekend that states, and I quote “This is an affordable guys weekend with an adrenaline rush downriver topped off with free beer at the end of your day and great nightlife.” Yes that is correct, FREE BEER AT THE END OF YOUR DAY. If you are interested you should contact the New River Gorge Adventure Center.

Ok, so, ditch the lame ass family, get your dudes together and mancate to West Virginia or any white water river and get started on the rush of a lifetime and the back at home bashing.

Here’s a cool video I found on YouTube.